Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Way I am

I don't know why I am the way I am. I try to be smarter, but can't seem to keep my head in the books. My parents want me to be so many things but I can't. They want me to be a doctor and that's a goal that I am trying to pursue. I want to be the child that is not a Fuck up. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see that I appreciate everything that they sacrificed for me. But I can't seem to do that when the spot light is on me twenty fours hours of the day.

My parents have me on a high pedestal. My mom got pregnant when she was 14 years old. And my dad's family criticize her for that. But my dad helped too, so I don't see why the girl is the bitch and the guy is just the man. When my parents had me, my dad's family already predicted my future. They said that I was going to be a bitch just like my mom. Well I guess that I'm a bitch that is in college, while their ass is working jobs that don't even pay much.

If I mess up and do anything to mess up my life, they will continue to put my mom through shit. That's why failure is not an option for me. I love my mom and I know she has been through a lot. That's why I want to do great things. So that I can show the same people saying that I was a bitch in the making, that I am a bitch with a degree and going to med school.

I have had this weight on my shoulders ever since I was a kid. It kind of fucked up that I have family members on both sides of the family that are waiting to see me fail. I cannot let them see me fail. I will not fail. I will continue to be successful in everything that I do. I can go through thousands of stress, school, home, boyfriend, etc. I have to exceed and be someone great.

If not for myself but for my mom. She was called to many things, she went through many hardships. I know what I have to do. The road is hard and bumpy. I cry because I think that I can't handle it. Crying is my only way of relieving all my stress. It takes all the emotions and flushes them out. I'm tired of being sad and angry. I want to be more happy. I want everyone not to depend on me. I just want to be a kid again.


Tabby said...

Wow, really good blog! I really enjoyed reading it. You described everything so good. I understand how your are always looked at to become better because neither of my parents went to school, but you have a lot more pressure on your shoulders. I wish you the best and I hope that everything works out for you. Keep your head up!

Nodie said...

hey Milinda,
damn thats fucked up that your dads parents thought that about you and your mom. do you ever talk to them? i know i wouldnt. yea but my parents are the ssme way and im not even the oldest. actually there like that with my brother and sister too.they want me to be everything, im not. i hate that i always seem to disapoint them though. my parents arent the ones you could really talk to, cause there so strict. but i put it like this, im be what i want to be and do what i want to do, whether they like or not. it makes MY life so much easier. oh yea and i liked your blog, so keep doing a good job. :)

Derek John Boczkowski said...


Very expressive post. There are some grammatical errors and unclear sentence structure in your post, which I would be happy to discuss with you, but I’d prefer to comment on the content here. I hope that you—and Tabby, who also chose stress as her topic for her blog—have found writing about your daily pressures somewhat cathartic. Writing out our emotions, the act of transference from feeling to the symbols that make letters that make words that make sentences that make meaning, is a good way to share those emotions. I mean this not only in the sense of letting others know how you feel, but also in the sense of relieving ourselves of the onus of carrying them alone, without the knowledge and understanding of others. While I can’t offer too much direct involvement in reducing the stress you express—at least, not as far as I would be ethically comfortable (that is to say, I can’t give you an automatic A)—I can continue to encourage you to use this venue as a vent for that pressure. As the steam builds, I hope each clack of the keys is a loosening of the valve that allows it to escape.


Anonymous said...

dependency is just a false concept that has been stormed into your brain. i can totally relate to everything that you are saying--for once, i want to make somebody proud.

however, you cannot make somebody else proud until you are proud of yourself. your past is a great asset; but your past should not be your dream. use your past to mold the present which paves the future. when a problem comes, turn it over. you are who you are--there is only one you. life is completely fucked up; but if life didn't suck then you would fall off.

all i want to say is that each day gets a little better if you can find just a bit of hope--just an ounce, a lemon drop of hope. hope does exist. make yourself proud. attraction works better than promotion--walk with your head up. show to others that you accept the human being that you are and are willing to become great--no, not great, superior. people notice how one holds themselves up.

when you fall down, climb back up that string like a spider. the wind is going to blow you around; but continue to work on your web.

be proud without being too proud; smile but not too wide; please people but not all the time; love others but love yourself first


Karen said...

Oh, NYPrincess, you really did tear at my heart with this. It's so sad that your family, which should be your bulwark and support, is causing you all this additional stress. I hope you can find a way to be true to your own vision of what you want in life. It can be an unbelievable burden to try to live up to parental expectations. Parents can mold and encourge and guide your path, but they shouldn't dictate it. I say that as someone who dropped out of college when I was 18, which is just about the greatest sin possible in a Jewish family, but who, after 15 years of bartending, got a college degree summa cum laude and a fellowship to grad school in the Ivy Leagues.

Take some deep breaths, find some time for yourself, choose some good college mentors, and try not to dwell too much on parental approval of your career goals.

Best of luck to you, sweetie!

Borough1 said...

Seriously? you're a New Yorker. How about some more cojones?

Elizabeth said...

NYP - Listen to what Karen is telling you. Though life seems hard now and your family is putting a lot of pressure on you, you will be okay.
Make sure you listen to your heart and do what is right for you as a person. Though your family is important to you, they should not define the rest of your life for you. Only you know what you really want to do and who you want to be.

nomoreself said...

Keep your chin up NYP! There's going to be plenty of hardships in your life, but I believe there'll be even more rewards for you when you make it through them. I wish you all the success in the world, and not for the benefit of anyone else - for you.

Anonymous said...

Stop crying! Be brave. Forget them (what are they doing to be happy?) and thing about you. Stop complaining, stop all this. It’s boring, Continuing this, you will certainly fall, our at least will be a depressive princess... argh!

NYPRINCESS88* said...

I would like to thank you all for the words of encouragement. This most definitely helps me right now. I will try to learn to put my head up. I will try to follow my heart even though it is confused with what I want,and what I was always told to do. Thank You